Things You Should Never Tell The Simi
by Dreamer12888
Summary: These are things that should NEVER be said to the Simi, unless if you want the world to end or be barbequed.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the DH characters. ** **Things You Should Never Tell TheSimi**

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1. You can eat the heifer goddess now

2. A blonde joke when Acheron's hair is blonde

3. BBQ sauce is now off the market

4. Fergalicious is no longer a song

5. And never ever, ever say the word NO

6. She is not Similicious

7. Fergalicious is a horrible song

8. Travis Fimmel is ugly

9. Travis Fimmel is married

10. The billboard outside her windo of Travis Fimmel is going to be demolished

11. QVC is going to be canceled

12. Her plastic is going to be canceled

13. Say anything bad about Acheron

14. Say anything bad about Tory

15. Say anything bad about Apollymi

16. Black is a horrible color

17. White is definately her color

18. Yes, she does look fat

19. Mittens are stupid

20. Make a diss on BBQ sauce

21. BBQ sauce makes everything taste digusting

22. White is the new black

23. Gallu demons rule!

24. Artemis rules!

25. Demons with hornys are ugly

26. Artemis makes Travis Fimmel look like a gallu demon

27. Ash isn't her dad

28. People who wear black are losers

29. Diamonds will be taken off the market

30. Ash and Artemis belong together, _forever_

31. Xirena is going to be moved into her room

32. She and Xirena have to share _everything_

33. She is grounded for a week

34. She has to go to bed without dinner

35. She also loses her plastic for a month


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the DH characters. Upon the request of other Simi lovers I am starting to write short stories for some of the "things you shouldn't tell the Simi". I hope you enjoy ^_^**

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**1. You can eat the _bitch_ goddess now.**

"Simi, I'm sorry. But you'll have to find something else to do while I'm gone." said Acheron as he rushed around Katotros, looking for his cell phone. "I'm dealing with a little Dark-Hunter business and it's too dangerous for you to be with me." Then he stopped.

Ash turned to look at his daughter. The Simi had a pouty look on her face and she started up at him with puppy dog eyes. He sighed, "I know you want to go, but if anything every happened to you…" he shook his head to clear it of such thoughts. "Wait. I have an idea, why don't you go and visit Apollymi. I bet she'd like you."

With that said Simi's eyes brightened significantly. Yes, she _could_ go see akra. She did always give the Simi some tasty treats. Ash didn't have to say another word; before he could blink the Simi was gone.

~*~

Apollymi sat in her garden; there she was nurturing her precious black roses. There were none other like them in the entire world and she intended to keep it that way. As she hummed a sweet tune for the roses, she felt that there was a presence behind her.

When she turned around she saw that it was the Simi that she had sensed. Seeing the Simi, Apollymi's eyes brightened with delight.

"Simi," she said, "it's great to see you. To what do I owe this visit?" Simi sighed.

"Akri had to do some Dark-Hunter business and he said that the Simi couldn't go. So I came here to see you akra!" Apollymi smiled, even though Simi couldn't see it, all Apostolos was doing was looking out for his daughter.

Thinking about her son and his "Dark-Hunter duties", Apollymi got around to thinking about the bitch that started it all, Artemis.

As if a light bulb went off in her head, Apollymi formed an idea. "Simi," she asked, "you don't like…" she choked on the name, "…Artemis do you?" She already knew the answer to the question.

Simi's eyes darkened and she got so angry that she changed forms. "I don't like the _bitch_ at all!" she growled. "All that she has done to akri…, I-" Simi tried to regain control of herself; eventually she did, turning back to normal.

Apollymi smiled knowingly, she felt the same way. "Well, I have an idea, Simi." Curious, Simi looked up at Apollymi. "Why don't you just eat the heifer goddess?"

Simi thought for a moment. "'Cause akri tells the Simi 'no'. I have to listen to him, I just don't like, is all." Apollymi feigned the act of thinking **(pretending to ponder something)**.

"Simi you know how children are always supposed to listen to their parents, right?" she nodded. "Since, I'm Apostolos' mother then it's okay to do what I say." Simi brightened considerably, and her eyes contained an evil gleam. "The next time," Apollymi continued, "that Apostolos goes to that bitch, just eat her when he has his back turned."

Now they were both agreed, next time Ash would go to see Artemis, Simi would take her opportunity.

~*~

Ash sighed, another visit to Olympus. For Artemis, it was _that_ time of the month. Ash even remembers what he'd regularly told her. _Unlike a normal woman, you're cranky for twenty-eight days out of the month_. And today was one of those 28 days.

"Simi!" Ash called.

"Here akri." She said poofing in front of him.

Ash then looked down, admiring his pretty daughter. He didn't want to have to take her to Olympus. But, she was the only one that could indirectly stop Artemis from following through with any of her that she had for him. The only unusual thing about this was, Simi wasn't actually complaining. _What's up with that?_ Ash wondered.

"Simi, come to me." Doing as she was told Simi transformed into a dragon tattoo and rested on his bicep. As she settled, his bicep warmed as she tried to get comfortable.

_Why do you have to be so buff akri?_ She asked him. _The Simi can't get comfortable._

Ash chuckled and flashed to Olympus.

~*~

Artemis was anxious with anticipation; she couldn't wait to follow through with her plans tonight. She licked her lips with eagerness; she could already savor him already. Then, she felt his presence in her temple.

Artemis walked out t her throne room and she stopped short, admiring Ash in all of his glory. "Come here!" she commanded, but he didn't budge.

"You know what I'm here for Artie," he growled, "and I need it now!"

Her eyes flashed. "You know the payment. But for this soul it'll cost you triple the normal amount." A slow, satisfied smile spread across her face, now she has the upper hand.

Ash's stare hardened as he thought thing through, finally he sighed. "Fine, but I need the soul now!"

Disbelief rained across her face. "How will I know that you'll come back?" She thought things over, "Fine then, I'll need some compensation."

Ash growled at her. "Isn't giving you my word good enough?"

"What you say is useless to me!" She spat. Ash's eyes gleamed as he thought of what to say, then an evil smile spread across his face that matched his eyes. "Fine!" he spat. "Simi!" The dragon on his bicep, turned into the Simi and she stood before him.

Seeing her, Artemis shrieked in rage. "I want her out!!"

Ash chuckled. "You wanted compensation and you got it." Artemis shook in rage. "Besides, how else could I validate that I'm coming back." With that said, he was gone.

~*~

With her akri gone it was now Simi's opportunity. She turned to Artemis with a snarl as she changed forms.

"What are you doing?!" Artemis demanded, barely able to contain her fright.

A slow, menacing smile appeared on the Simi's face. "Following orders." She stated matter-of-factly.

"But Acheron said," Artemis stammered, "he promised that he'd never let you hurt me."

Simi just smiled. "I'm following akra's orders. Besides we should always listen to our elders." Then she attacked.

A blood curdling scream filled the goddess' temple.

~*~

Ash finally flashed back to Olympus and he stood just outside the door of the throne room. Then he heard Artemis scream, he rushed inside.

"Simi!?" he bellowed. "Artemis?!" he looked around and then he stopped. "What the-" Then, he fell to the floor laughing; he laughed so hared that tears streamed down his face.

Sitting on her throne Artemis was sobbing in rage and then there was the Simi. She was sitting on the floor with a triumphant smile on her face and in her hands a large clump of red hair and a bottle of BBQ sauce.

But the thing that made Ash laugh was Artemis. Sitting on her throne Artemis was covered in BBQ sauce and she had a large bald spot that covered most of her head. _Where did the hair go?_ The Simi held it into her had it all in her hands. She beamed as Ash continued to laugh.

Then she shrugged. "If I can't eat her then I'll do the next best thing. How else can you damage a goddess' ego, permanently damage her appearance." Simi could already hear what akra Apollymi would say, _Good job Simi!_

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**So how did you like it? I hope it's not too long. If you want to see one of the numbers written into a short story then just post it in a review. Thank you all for reading.**

**P.S. please leave a review I love feedback. Also if you have more ideas to add to the list then you should tell me and I'll add it.**


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